BEACH

​

never speaking soft heartedly 

like sisters like family        

words we don’t mean, maybe the sentiment is there 

talk of community slides off the same tongue as shade

sometimes we fuck, sometimes we bleed the same blood 

if it sounds complicated it’s probably not 

 

so that night

I don’t remember what you had in your hand 

outside the woman’s shelter

when you picked it up

my heart dropped

and over the silence

you threatened to smash a cop's windshield

with what you had in your hand

let's say it was a brick 

historical precedent aside 

(this is july, pride is over) 

​

you didn’t even notice my tits, the fat around my cheeks 

the reasons i stick needles in my thigh every two weeks

why do i piss sixteen times a day?

my nine month attempt to become

that which I could not call myself without a qualifier

 

so that night 

I explained my motivation for the emotional cohesion

I felt with you at that moment

I don't know if you took my word, or just my cigarette

either way you smoked it

either way you let me follow you

 

you told me you hate cops 

so i told you “i hate cops” 

and then we disagreed  on whether or not

the cops would kill you   

because I felt as if there was a series of actions 

which if taken on your part, they certainly might

 

I knew there would be more cops  

so i said “there will be more cops”  

because you don’t just walk away when you threaten cops

on gates ave at two in the morning 

no matter how long you voiced trained 

no matter how blonde 

definitely not without a trach shave  

 

in that moment 

flashing light stained the concrete 

blue and red  

and blue and red  

 

maybe you believed me because

when they told you get on the ground

you got on the ground 

 

in that moment 

the concrete 

blue then red then blue then red 

your hands pressed the to the  concrete 

blue then red 

I tried to believe myself 

  

because for that moment 

I loved you 

yours was the only heart beating

objectively

there was no object permanence 

 

I was too scared 

I was too scared 

I was too scared to think

about any world which existed beyond that moment

you were the only girl 

you were the only girl 

you were the only girl bleeding my blood

that night on gates avenue 

 

so i said it 

because in that moment

it felt like what I’d been meant to do

is suggest you stop resisting

to beg you, to stop resisting 

​

and I’m sorry for that  

I didn’t want you to stop resisting

I don’t want anyone to

 

I wanted you to not get shot  

so kneeling on the concrete  

blue then red 

I said it

just begging you

because I was soooooo fucking scared 

and I'll always feel sorry 

 

the word’s a reflex  

like my mouth opens 

for the spit of pursed lips   

which under different circumstances 

could’ve been yours

 

under a different set of circumstances 

I would let you spit in my mouth 

held down on my mattress 

a moment of false resistance 

your handcuff keys concealed  

by dollars and drugs 

and other things that make up  

the shrine to negligence

that is was and probably shall  

remain my bedside table 

 

but the cops had the keys 

and the cops said you can't have any more of my cigarettes

and that reminded you that you hate cops 

and how you don’t fuck with cops 

I said, “so let’s not talk to the cops”

you said fuck the cops 

 

I just wanted to get you in that ambulance 

because no fucking way we're we winning this one 

 

so, on the ground

blue and red, 

I let the words out of my mouth  

like the scene in Detransition, Baby

where Katrina and  Reese explain to each other

how their gender identity and race

impact their thoughts on motherhood

instead of letting the reader do the work

 

under a different circumstances

an anecdote for the in the back of a bar

shortly before or after talking about what words are okay

to describe our body and what slurs we're free to use

 

and while I recognized the words coming out of my mouth

debatably tell a story

centering one brooklyn trans woman’s immiseration 

to another’s personal growth

the similarities stop there 

 

the point

like Katrina and Reese

I explained my how my identity

informed my actions and intentions

to you, the viewer

god, the cops

and the sirens

 

in the event, my actions weren’t self evident 

in case my actions weren’t enough 

because they weren’t 

 

I knelt down by you

trying to convey the sense of urgency 

that if you weren’t so high

would have already been implied by the guns

​

“please I’m a trans woman

and you’re a trans woman...

that means you’re my sister, ok?

that means your my sister and i love you 

and I love you, ok ? 

that means i love you, ok?“

 

and I was so fucking scared

and Idid everything right 

still I’ll always be sorry  

and I stayed with you there, 

under the blue and red 

until the concrete turned gray 

 

never speaking soft heartedly 

like sisters, like family        

words we don’t mean

maybe the sentiment is there 

 

talk of community slides off the same tongue as shade

sometimes we fuck

sometimes we bleed the same blood 

if it sounds complicated

sometimes it is